A Series of Surreal Happenings
by matt020388
Summary: A series of Omake short humorous tales for Naruto. Also parodies some of the cliches. Chapter 4: Naruto the Lucky
1. The Truth

A/N: Of course this is humor/parody/AU. And I don't own it. PLUS I've read so much fanfiction, I don't know if anything I write is truly original, or I just think it is. Tell me if you think it's not.

Setting: Takes place in an imaginary period before timeskip and Chunin exams, and Naruto doesn't know about a lot of things.

"Voice" '_Thought_'

The Truth

Team 7 was waiting at the bridge for their sensei once again. Why they hadn't learned to bring a deck of cards or something to do is a mystery. Sakura was cautiously observing Sasuke, or the standard "light-stalking" protocol. Sasuke was staring in the opposite direction, wondering why he wasn't doing something worthwhile, like training to avenge his clan. He thought this a lot. And Naruto, he was doing something productive.

'_HA! Those bastards won't know what hit them!_' Naruto gleefully thought as he planned his next prank. Those bastards were actually a group of teenage civilian guys who had stolen his clothes while he was in the hot springs. It had taken 20 minutes for Naruto to remember he was a ninja and just henge into clothes.

Well, that had led him to trying to track down the boys in a busy marketplace. He unfortunately ran into Kakashi-sensei, who eye smiled at his predicament, made an embarrassing remark, and continued grocery shopping.

Unknown to him at the time, Team 8 was returning from a D rank mission and Hinata turned on her Byakugan as he sped past them and towards a pack of fleeing boys. She gurgled happily and fainted, her eyes seeing right past the veil of chakra.

To make a very long story short, eventually Naruto ended up naked in the middle of a crowded place and one of his favorite orange jumpsuits was incinerated.

--

Back to the bridge, Naruto finished packing up his paint bomb: Mach Ten Billion!! '_They'll never know what hit them!! Bwahahaha! And then tomorrow…_'

The air shifted slightly and Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves, slightly amused at the evil laughter coming from Naruto. Sakura and Sasuke, were more along the lines of '_What's wrong with the dobe/Naruto now?_' Sakura even forgot to yell at their sensei for being late.

"Yo, today we have another exciting mission ahead of us," Kakashi smiley-eyed as he pulled out his porn. '_I just love listening to their groans…hm_' Kakashi looked up and noticed Naruto was still in his own little world.

"Come on Naruto!!" Sakura yelled and the orange clothed genin jumped to attention.

--

"Let's see… we have your favorites: catching Tora the cat or walking the Inuzuka dogs," Iruka reported and the Sandaime hid his amusement as Team 7 looked at the mission scrolls.

"**Bwahahahaha**!!" everyone looked at Naruto and his outburst with sweatdrops. The Third Hokage was the first to recover, "Planning a prank for yesterday Naruto?" he asked in a knowing tone.

"What happened yesterday dobe?" "What did you get into now Naruto?"

"Nothing!!"

An Icha Icha book was lowered a little bit, "I wouldn't call it nothing…"

"Shut up, I'm going Defcon Ramen on them!" Naruto replied before chuckling darkly. Creeping out his teammates, and amusing Iruka and Kakashi.

The Sandaime paled though, "No, the civilian police have already punished those involved. Don't you remember what happened last time?" He had been watching thru the crystal ball and laughing, but then it went wrong.

"Huh? I've only done it once before. It works! I haven't seen that guy in a while…"

--

The conversation was shushed by Iruka and Team 7 was on the way to the kennels. Sakura was curious though.

'_**Cha! What did he do? I love these pranks!**_**' **"What happened? Naruto?"

Naruto brightened up and smiled. "You'll love this! There was once this annoying guy who was babysitting me. He didn't say much and would never help me get things down from the shelves."

Kakashi smiled as he remembered looking in on Chibi-Naruto in the past. Sasuke scoffed.

"I think his name was Itachi…"

The other males of Team 7 stopped where they were on the street and turned slowly to look at Naruto. He basked in the attention and continued his tale of glory.

"So I thought I would get a reaction out of him one way or the other!! I pulled so many pranks on him. I painted his hair pink and he still wouldn't move from the spot in my room."

Sasuke almost laughed as he imagined that, almost. Sakura pulled down a lock of her hair and didn't really see the big deal…

"So one day, I came up with the ultimate Defcon Ramen prank series…" Naruto described his series of degrading pranks that started to follow Itachi around the village, mostly ramen-themed, "But I'm sad I don't have a something to remember it by. I asked Shisui to get a picture after telling him to ask Itachi how he enjoyed the Ramen Enema in private, but I never saw them again."

Kakashi had dropped his porn and Sasuke was shaking, presumably with laughter the fox-boy thought… let's not correct him. Sakura had laughed a lot at some of the pranks and been disgusted with others.

"I even got Old Man Hokage to tell Itachi that he was going to be assigned as my guardian/tutor until I graduated. He said something funny, like: 'Over my family's dead bodies and little brother's shattered psyche and left.' It was the only time I heard him make a joke. Weird sense of humor, eh?"

--Ending 2--

Naruto smiled goofily and laughed, before Kakashi had tackled a frothing at the mouth Sasuke to the ground. '_It almost sounds like he's saying: I'll kill you Naruto! You're dead!!'….naaaah_.'

--Ending 3--

Kakashi turned from Naruto and looked at Sasuke. His Uchiha student had a completely blank stare, before giggling weirdly.

"Well, that takes away my hesitation about getting the Mangekyou," Sasuke chuckled and continued walking. Everyone staring in confusion before he tossed a kunai to Naruto. "Hold that up to your ear and listen to the ocean, dobe"

Kakashi was confused and ultimately too late as Naruto tried it.

The kunai sizzled, "BOOM!"

--Ending 4--

"Hahahhhhaahha!" Sasuke fell over in demented laughter.

"Naruto, what did you do to Sasuke-kun!!"

"I didn't do anything! What's wrong with him Kakashi-sensei?"

"You broke him. Shame, I thought I finally had a workable team. Plus, now how are we gonna get more Uchihas?"

"On it!" Sakura said as she and several fangirls proceeded to do unmentionable things the boy's body.

--Ending ?--

Have a suggestion for one, review it or simply keep it to yourself. Whatever.


	2. The Uchiha Failure: Itachi

What if Itachi suffered "Hinata-syndrome"

What if Itachi suffered "Hinata-syndrome"? AKA, Sasuke is better than Itachi, a 4-time failure of the chunin-exams looking for a new team.

**The Uchiha Failure**: **Itachi**

Itachi, the "Failure of the Uchihas", sighed at the recent turn of events. His team had been killed at the recent Chunin exams in grass country while he had been going to the bathroom of all things. Now he was on watch duty with the village police force, mostly his clan who wished he didn't exist.

"Hey retard, get us something to drink," his third cousin commanded, activating his sharingan to rub it in. Even at 18 years-old Itachi's sharingan hadn't activated, despite nearly dying with his teams several times. So Itachi bowed out of the way and went into a general store for some drinks, _'At least the villagers are nice.'_

"Hello Naruto, doing some shopping?" Itachi was the youngest person to know about the Kyuubi sealing from first hand account. His father apparently thought as future head, it would be a good idea to sneak his son out to witness the Sandaime's speech…and law enactment. There had to be a few others, but Itachi didn't know.

"YEAH! I'm taking the genin exams tomorrow and I wanted some more instant ramen," Naruto smiled, "I know I'm gonna graduate this time!"

Itachi knew that phrase all too well, failing the basic exam four times and graduating when he was 13. He just didn't perform well in tests…or in action, his teammates were always dying like cannon fodder, his own purpose as his father dictated after his many failures. Even his little brother had graduated before him at the age of 7.

'_Sasuke…' _Itachi thought while exiting the store with his purchases, _'The Uchiha Prodigy, activating his sharingan when he was 6, graduating at 7, becoming chunin at 9. Promoted to jounin at 12 and joining ANBU recently. Now, officially the next head of the clan.' _

His comrades didn't thank him for the drinks as they continued on their patrols. Itachi checked his watch and made his way to the Hokage tower for his appointment.

--

Konoha was quite different than in the other timelines, with the power of the Uchiha behind them, even after the Kyuubi attack they had remained strong. There was a lack of ninja being recruited from civilian families, but they had their police force to protect them. Sarutobi took a deep puff from his pipe and told Itachi to come in.

"As you know, the new recruits from the academy are graduating and there are no teams currently needing a new member. I know your skills are those of chunin."

Itachi sighed, "At best…"

"Now don't put yourself down, you are recovering from the incident quite well and it's time to join a new team."

Okay, he had five rusty kunai stabbed in his joints and was left to die while taking that bathroom break that last chunin exam a year ago. What was worse: the smell or the pain? The pain, the wounds had caused him to go into a nine-month coma to recover and his body was still not up to par.

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

"The number of graduates is one short of being divisible by three. Since you are good enough to be a chunin, you will act as the top spot and be placed with the last."

"So probably Naruto?" Itachi saw the Hokage frown and nod. "That's good."

"Is there anything else you wish to discuss while you're here?"_ 'And let me procrastinate doing this paper work for a little longer?'_

"I suppose I can't get you to let Sasuke have a break can you? He's looking kind of ragged, he's just a kid."

"I know, but the council seems very interested in keeping him busy. He should have the day after tomorrow off, if I remember correctly."

"Thank you, I have another date with Ayame-chan to get to now. So good luck with the paperwork Hokage-sama."

--

"Tell me your name, likes, dislikes, and your dream," Kakashi said while looking at his team. They were a weird bunch, even for him.

"Fine. My name is Uchiha Itachi. I like my pocky and Ayame-chan and dislike the expectations and assumptions of the biased. My dream…hm." The others looked for him to continue, but went on realizing he was done.

"My name is Uzumak Naruto. I like ramen and Sakura-chan! I dislike stuck up bastards that don't know anything. My dream is to be Hokage!"

"I'm Haruno Sakura, I like dango and my friends. I guess Naruto, but not in that way!" Sakura waved her hands vehemently, "I dislike people who don't care about others' feelings, I want to become a good kunoichi, despite that I'm from a civilian family."

'_Hm, the "Failure", a Hokage wannabe, and Pinky. They don't seem that unbalanced for a team.' _"Hatake Kakashi, I like reading, dislike some things, and want to do several things before I die. Now, meet me tomorrow for a survival training exam that will determine if you become genin, barring yourself Itachi."

"What?" The two 12 year-olds shouted.

Itachi sighed again, _'Another exam…' _"He's not joking, to become accepted by your captain, they often make you take a unique test. I've seen four different ones so far."

The kids stared in shock, just how long were they going to be held back if they failed?

"Um, I only failed the first one, it's hard to fail more than once after you know the meanings they want to see, even for me," Itachi gave a weak smile.

Kakashi groaned, _'Apparently Hokage-sama has gotten tired of me failing teams and has brought out a ringer.'_

--

"Team 7 passed, and you're an evil person Hokage-sama," Kakashi reported to him and the other jounins, who looked in amazement. "Apparently Itachi has the genin exam down to a science. The little bastards just laughed when I explained the rules and corrected me on the whole 66 percent fail rate. Then Naruto spammed kage bushins, Itachi henged his normal bushins in with Naruto's while throwing kunai, and Sakura cast weak genjutsus and was eventually thrown at me by Itachi to get the bells." _'The look on her face was almost worth it…'_

"You should've taken the time to change the exam now, eh?"

_­_--

**Little Tidbits that don't fit**

"Itachi, isn't there any other way to become chunin besides the chunin exam?"

"There are Naruto, I just don't do good on those test either," Itachi replied before muttering to himself angrily, "Damn gerbil balancing, they should live in a more unsightly manner…"

--

"Sasuke, why?!" Itachi screamed, returning from Team 7's first C rank mission to see the Uchiha massacre.

"I needed a tool to measure myself…" Sasuke gave the basic 'Itachi speech.' It was a little awkward when Itachi stood up to face Sasuke down. Pre-pubescent Sasuke reached his chest.

"Oh, now I realize what Hokage-sama said about preparing for a special mission 2 months ago. Makes sense with all the Uchiha plotting that has been going on. I guess I was spared because I don't have the sharingan yet and you protected me, and the kills on the non-combatants don't look quite like your work, another Uchiha killed the children against your will and you feel responsible? Well, I'm not going to start chasing you for revenge just so you can settle your conscious about this. Get laid or something."

Sasuke watched in amazement as Itachi stepped over the dead bodies and went to his room. He didn't care what the clan had said, his big brother was awesome in his own right.

--

"It's not FAIR! Sakura gets that hunk of man meat on her team and I'm stuck with sloth and blubbernaut?" Ino screeched as she saw Itachi come in for team announcements. Chouji;s anger flared and Ino felt the back of her head was covered in pudding.

--

Maybe needs a little more flushed out… enjoy? I may tweak it here and there later if I write another chapter for it. PM if you want something put in the tidbit sections.


	3. It's All in the Lips

What if the young kunoichi had learned from Anko after the Chunin exams? Expanding the idea into something else… This chappy's Saku/Sasu.

--

"We've gathered you future kunoichi here for a reason today," Kurenai began her speech to about 20 chunin and genin girls. She and a few of the female ANBU, Jounin, and long-term Chunin continued the tradition started when Tsunade gave her departure speech to the kunoichi of the time.

"That's right!" Anko grinned, they hadn't expected her to come this year, but she had a few things to say.

"Continuing from where I was, you already know the special circumstances that happen…" The meeting continued, offering hints to the aspiring girls, life stories, and warnings. When Kurenai was just about to end the meeting…

"Hey! We have one more thing to talk about, sex and men!" Anko said enthusiastically.

--

Sakura was desperate, Sasuke was trying to leave the village, "I would do anything for you! So…Please just stay with me…I'll even help you with your revenge…" Sakura stopped herself to sniff back the tears.

Sasuke turned around and glared, "You really are annoying."

"Don't leave!" Sakura screamed, her mind running a million miles per hour. She settled on a thought and latched herself to Sasuke's back, or tried to.

Sasuke dodged her, before turning around, _'I should at least thank her.' _"Sakura, thank you."

The Uchiha walked up to her to put her to sleep, and was startled.

'_**Ha Cha! Got 'Em!' **_Sakura had pressed her face against him, confirming her spot of Top Threat for Sasuke in his fan club.

Sasuke shoved her off, a little hesitant doing so, before noticing the genjutsu had taken effect and she was asleep. Sighing, he carried her to the bench and laid her down. Sasuke slowly walked towards the gate.

Thump! Sakura gave a small grin as she wiped her lips. She picked up Sasuke's sprawled out body, only a few steps away from her bench, clawing towards the gateway out of the Leaf. A little bit of knockout chapstick went a long way, just like Anko-sensei said it would.

'_Sasuke-kun, it's for your own good.' _ Anko had also said that the more powerful the man, the denser they were when it came to women, it was better left to the kunochi to get what she wanted.

--

Later, the Sound Four waited in the forests outside of Konoha.

"Where the fucking hell is that dick!!" Tayuya screamed.

--

Sasuke woke up with a start, finding he couldn't move his arms or legs…

"Ah, I see your up Uchiha Sasuke," Tsunade stared him down in the office, Sakura, Shizune, and a nameless ANBU were also there.

"I can understand the restraints Hokage-san…but why am I naked?"

The ANBU spoke, identify herself as female, "I restrained you after Sakura brought you here, but Sakura had wanted to help. I'm sorry to say your clothes didn't survive."

"Alright, but why am I not feeling enraged, or even concerned that I failed to make it out of this village."

Shizune stepped forward, "That would again be Sakura's doing. You see, she had wanted to also help administer a sedative to prevent you from running again, and misread the dosage…"

"Ok, that's what the floating pink and blue shapes told me. So am I in trouble? And does anyone else want ramen, just loosen these ropes and I'll get some," Sasuke was rambling, definitely loopy.

Tsunade smirked, it was like scolding a 5-year old "Are you gonna run away again?"

"Maaaybe. Will it get Sakura to kiss me again?" Sasuke asked with a dopey smile splitting his face.

"You know Sasuke-kun, you could kiss me a lot more if you stayed in Konoha…"

"ReALLy? Hmmmm, but what about my evil older brother, itaki or something like that? I need to go to snake guy because this seal thingy will make me uber powerful and he can give me steroids or training and such."

Tsunade wondered, _'Should I remove the excess sedative from his system?'_

"But Sasuke-kun, Anko-senpai said that Orochimaru was a pedophile who only says that to lure small boys into his clutches, and then neuters them…"

"What? But I need my dangly boys to revive my clan!"

The women of the room laughed, _'No I'll let it wear off on its own.' _"Hahahaha! It's true Uchiha-san, I would know. I was his teammate…"

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

--

Heh, maybe I'll add some more to this later.


	4. Naruto the Lucky

A/N: Thankyou Innortal for being the main reviewer, I should really get back to evangelion: revisited one day. Oh, don't own, hope no one has done this already.

Concept: Parody of Naruto's Luck Factor...just read

**Naruto The Lucky**

With infinite timelines, anything can happen to Naruto, Although we often hear about the best of them, there can be really bad ones too. Relax, this universe harbors a peculiar flaw that can only benefit Naruto.

Apparently the powers that be had seen a large amount of timelines where Naruto breaks, mentally and physically. So the powers used their influence to make anything concerning Naruto serendipity into rainbows and happiness.

Up to the events of Naruto's birth, nothing had changed and the Kyuubi was on its way to destroy Konoha. But the moment he was born, a miracle occurred.

"Hold the lines! We need to wait for the Yondaime!" a random ninja screamed as tails destroyed the forest and the Leaf's troops.

Namikaze Minato arrived riding on top of Gamabunta with a bundle containing his son, Naruto. _'Thank kami Kushina pulled through at the last second, it will be hard enough to live without a father.'_

Minato didn't say anything as he confronted the nine-tailed bijuu, he started his final jutsu when there was a flash from above.

The Kyuubi had a different perspective as it looked at the light and overcame its madness for his last cognitive though, _'Oh shit, a small meteor…'_

The Kyuubi slowed down the meteor with a barrier before it busted through and Minato held on as Gamabunta jumped back from the shockwave. He looked in awe at the crater. The vile red chakra of the fox was being absorbed into the space rock until there was none left, and the Kyuubi's soul passed on without any chakra to regenerate.

The ninjas, varying from those dying to those working up the courage to be there when the Yondaime made history, watched from afar as the Kyuubi seemingly exploded instantaneously, not knowing what had happened (and causing several outlandish rumors) until the Yondaime made the truth known.

When the best experts examined the rock later, they noted it had incredible potential to store chakra, but without any seals the Kyuubi's chakra escaped harmlessly in a matter of days.

* * *

Naruto was lucky enough to grow up having a great childhood, his father made the time to be with him using hiraishin plus kage bushin to do his job at the same time. His mother coddled him, and despite his outer protests, he loved it.

The villagers treated him like royalty, but he never let it go to his head luckily. His friends were awed at first, but, fortunately, they saw the real him and not his father. Naruto wanted to be a ninja of course, but he hadn't aspired yet to become hokage because he had no need for attention.

Naruto's training was also unique, he apparently had great luck with any weapon he picked up. If he threw a kunai and it wasn't going to hit the target, a wind always seemed to guide it to its target. There was even an incident where the kunai landed point side up in front of the target, only for a squirrel to knock the target down and in to the kunai.

His chakra control seemed to be perfect as well, as they began that part of his training with his family when he was five. It had shocked his parents when he had followed his mother up the side of the tree and ask, "So what's next?"

Next was water walking, leaf balancing, whirlpool walking, sand gliding, and even air walking. It had surprised his godfather Jiraiya when he took another step in midair after his initial jump, thus inventing air walking.

* * *

While Naruto was super-lucky, his parents were super frustrated. Take for instance when the cloud village tried to kidnap Naruto's friend, Hinata. Naruto had been there for a sleepover, somehow he had convinced everyone it would be okay, and had spent the afternoon drawing pictures with crayons with the Hyuga children.

Naruto had chased after the Kumo nin, before said ninja decided to attack the blonde. Naruto slipped and his squiggles (Naruto liked to draw squiggles) fell out of his shirt and onto the ground. The Kumo nin stepped on the piece of paper just as Minato had arrived and disappeared.

The hokage stared at the paper and eventually determined that the ninja was now stuck inside the accidental seal. The village's analysts tried to determine how to create it, but found several layers of crayon and Naruto didn't know order mattered in seal making yet.

Minato ripped the paper in half and the ninja reappeared, Kumo would face a major setback because of their stunt.

* * *

As luck would have it, with Minato in command, the Uchiha clan was less rebellious. Well, the truth behind it was more of Naruto's doing… When the Uchiha had begun to form plans of rebellion, Naruto had been visiting his friend Sasuke. He was wandering around playing ninja marco polo and had stumbled into the elder's secret meeting.

"Then it's agreed, we'll work to make Konoha great under the…""MARCO!" Naruto stumbled around the room with the attendees wondering how he got through the genjutsu and should they say polo?

"Um, Uzumaki-san (let's say the fourth took Kushina's name, it happens in Japan, for this chapter), what did you hear of our secret plan?"

"Eh? Secret plan? But everyone knows about that, silly Uchiha people," Naruto replied, despite only hearing the last sentence. _'After all, hokage-poppa says we all work together to make Konoha great.'_

The stunned clan members watched as the young blonde boy left the room and they heard Sasuke say polo. "I guess we can scrap this…all for lobbying for a new training ground to make into a sake distillery say 'hai'"

A round of hai's rang out and the Uchiha went on to be known for there famous alcohol along with their bloodline.

* * *

Well, the powers that be nodded at this universe. It would make for a good relief once in a while…

A/N: There could be several things with this. Like a plucky Naruto that literally doesn't try to complete his missions, but does in a Mr. Magoo fashion. IE: Haku is a girl, approaches Naruto in sleep, Naruto stumbles awake only to pull Haku's yukata/kimono open, Haku is embarrassed, the day of the battle the samurais get killed by Inari's mom's skillet, Naruto calls Haku "Naked-neechan", Zabuza facefaults unconscious for 30 min, and all is well.


End file.
